I am feeling blah and disjointed.
There is a question that people grapple with when they are young that, I am almost certain in most cases, people answer by the time they are my age. Not that I am old by any means, or really in a place to think I should have everything figured out; but that’s a whole other story.
This question is “who am I?” That quintessential search for your identity that carries you through your adolescence. Right now I can’t help but wonder if anybody ever really answers that question, and even why it is so important in our society. Part of me thinks a vast majority of the people around us just go around, clinging to their every day routine either thinking that IS who they are, or hoping that will distract them from trying to figure it out. And for the most part we can distract ourselves. I think with a few rare exceptions, most people have no freaking clue who they are. We know what we like, we know who we like, we know what makes us mad, but is that really all it takes to answer that question?
Unfortunately my brain does not like to let me get distracted. My brain’s number one goal seems to be to force this question upon me at least once a day. It isn’t always word for word “who are you?” or anything like that, but it always seems to find its way in. It can be in that hollow feeling after you go shopping, like what was the point? It hangs in the air every time someone asks me what I did this year, or what are my plans for next year? It sings me to sleep when I’m laying there thinking about what I did that day.
And honestly, there is probably no real way to even answer this looming question. So I guess my real dilemma comes from the fact that the things that make me feel like me are spread out all over the world. It’s like a fucking treasure map. I feel like me when I’m snuggled up on my couch in my house on Orcas Island. I feel like me whenever I’m there actually. But I also feel like me when I’m with my family in Tucson, and when I’m having Christmas dinner with my parents and my brother. I know myself when I’m traveling and meeting new people and wandering the streets of a city where I don’t speak the language, and can’t even pronounce their currency. I feel like me when I’m lying in the arms of a boy who loves me. I feel like me when I’m walking a dog, feeding a donkey, stroking a cheetah, or just rescuing a bird from inside the house. I feel at home stretched out in the sun, no matter where. I feel like myself anywhere with friends. I know who I am with my arms around my friends, screaming along to our favorite wizard rock songs, and running on stage to dance. I know who I am when we’re all up at 4 am in some hotel in some city, running between rooms with our drinks in our hands, and it’s all laughing and crying because we don’t get to be together all the time. Those are the times when I feel like I actually know who I am, and I know what really matters.
The rest of the time is just me trying to find my way to one of those things so I can feel like myself again. And I know life is what you make it, and everyone always says it’s about living in the moment. And I do my best to do that, I honestly do. But what DO you do in those in between moments? And what do you do when those in between moments aren’t a matter of minutes or hours, but they last days or weeks? You can try so many things, but sometimes you just won’t feel like yourself no matter what you do.
This is probably why big changes and transitions scare me so much. There’s always that feeling that you might lose a piece of what makes you feel like you. And that’s the worst feeling. This is something I’ve been working on with myself for a long time, and I’ve definitely gotten better, but it’s always scary to make big changes right? This year has been one constant, giant upheaval of changes for me. There’s been good and there’s been bad and all of it has been scary for me, but I guess I have to remember that some of those things that make me feel like me now didn’t start that way. They were scary to me at first too.
I don’t really have some big conclusion or epiphany, but just writing this down made me feel better. Not to mention, this is way too long already. Thanks to anyone who took the time to read this. <3