“It’s never too late to be who you might have been.” – George Eliot
It’s kind of hard for me to explain why I’m taking this year off from school to take my own kind of journey. I can say that I’ve always sucked at following structure and rules; so that somewhat explains my abhorrence of the “high school-college-grad school-good job/life of boredom in a cubicle” formula. I never went to a college counseling session in high school and my college searching was limited to like, two places and the internet. I probably ended up limiting myself a lot in where I could have ended up, but at the same time I had always thought I would never finish college in four years and would probably transfer AT LEAST once, so my dedication to the process was somewhat…meager. That makes me sound like a huge flake, and maybe I am, but I also think it’s healthy to keep exploring for your whole life. If that means changing your goals and passions all too frequently than so be it. It’s better than being stuck in an abysmal career for the rest of your life and I’d like to think of this as the evolution of my goals and passions anyway. I’M BABBLING. Basically it comes down to this: I don’t really believe in doing what you should do, but doing what will take a person’s breath away.
I’m taking this year off to:
- Gain the most confidence in myself, my actions and my beliefs that I possibly can
- Become reacquainted with myself
- Break the rules
- Go places I would never have even fathomed going to
- Spend more time with my family
- Get excited about school again
- Try a new way of learning
- Make up for lost time when I didn’t treat myself or the people in my life well
- Meet new people
- Get my hands dirty
- Play with animals
- Go to Disneyland… more
- Remember to cherish everything
Basically, I’m excited for what’s to come. This is going to be where I post stories and ramblings and attempted wisdom.
Tucson, Day One (September 17, 2010)
I didn’t sleep last night. Well, okay, I got like 1 hour and 45 minutes of sleep. Blame Tyler. He’s distracting. Anyway, I was already ready to pass out at like 10:30 but I want to write this down before it starts to fog up from exhaustion.
It was a lovely 104 degrees here today. This may be hard to believe, but I actually love it. I’m a desert kid at heart. We landed and came straight to my sister Laura’s house. I love driving up to her house because it’s like a little piece of paradise and you feel like you’re completely alone in the desert even though she’s surrounded by neighbors. Driving in, we’re greeted by four of her curious horses and of course Prince and Rider barking at the gate. After saying our hellos, my sister announces that Omelet, one of her horses has a sinus infection and the vet is coming over momentarily to drain his sinus. Okay, I think, yay for Omelet. Then she says, “they are drilling a hole through his sinus to drain it.” Uhm, WHAT. Good introduction to my two weeks of horse business I guess! There were a lot of needles involved and I was assuming I’d have to just walk away at some point because I usually HATE needles. But I didn’t. I even watched when the vet pulled out a mallet and hammered a needle into Omelet’s skull, above his sinus. I don’t know if I wasn’t afraid because it was on a horse and I couldn’t picture it happening to me while I watched or what, but it made me think about why I’m afraid of stuff like needles and spiders and bees. If I can easily a hole be hammered into a horses’ skull, I really should be able to get over these petty fears. Gonna work on that because being afraid is debilitating and doesn’t feel good.
Tonight Laura and I talked about what kind of goals I had for this trip and what I hoped to have learned by the end of September. I explained how I feel like a much more confident, capable and outgoing person since working at the Downtown Dog Lounge over the summer. I was able to master the kind of confidence you need to be the alpha in a pack of up to 50 or 60 dogs. I loved how working there made me feel, and I can see how much more confident I am in multiple aspects of my life. I thought that having mastered this confidence with dogs, I should be able to be more assured around horses as well, but after about an hour here today I knew it was not the same at all. Horses are subtler in how they react to humans and therefore are much harder to read. I am pretty lost when it comes to reading a horse’s body language and actions. I guess this is along the same line as conquering fear in other parts of my life. I don’t want to be afraid of a horse’s size anymore. I don’t want to constantly worry about if one will accept me or not.
In the next two weeks, my sister is going to help me form a relationship with Junie, her percheron to help me build the confidence I want to have around horses. I can’t wait to be working with horses, and to ride again.
Also there's no internet at my sister's house so I might be posting kind of sporadically. I'll try to write a post every night but I'll probably post them in chunks. Hope you enjoy :)
Current song obsession(s): Parallel Lines by White Lights (go listen to them now) and Little Lion Man by Mumford & Sons
Currently reading: Dark Force Rising by Timothy Zahn. Yes, a Star Wars novel. Deal.
Last meal: Awesome salad, corn bread and frozen yogurt.
Location: bed, my sister’s guesthouse, Tucson, Arizona